I learned two things about myself today. One, that I am easily impressed by calling cards, because I am an impressionable dork that way. And two, that I don’t really know how to just “enjoy it.” The first thing has nothing to do with the point of this post. Haha.
I have this innate need to always be in control. Be it with schedules, school projects, or relationships. If I have a destination and I’m the one driving, I need to know exactly where I’m going and the exact directions on how to get there. Maybe it’s because I don’t like making mistakes, but it might also be because I don’t know how to just let things be most of the time. Funny thing is, one of my best friends in the world is the queen of being able to just “enjoy it.” So many times she has scolded me for thinking too much or always questioning the good things that I am experiencing. One of the things that she told me in the earlier years of our friendship that really made an impression on me was when I was trying to talk about how I felt post a bad break up, because I was confused because I wasn’t sad but things weren’t exactly peachy either. And the simple thing she said was “it doesn’t have to have a label, you know.”
Today one of the things that a wise lady told me was, “just enjoy it.” And as I tried to grasp this concept in mind, I realized that I didn’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to just sit there and enjoy the moment. This manifests itself very clearly in the way I eat. recently I shared with my family that I see eating as a task. There’s food in front of me, and it needs to be eaten. So I do. I eat and I eat until there’s nothing left on the plate, which is why I eat freakishly fast. My family stared back at me in horror, and my father spoke of how wonderful it is to just let the food melt in your mouth and let the taste envolope your senses. I could not relate. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand how that felt.
This is also probably one of the reasons why, whenever something good happens in my life, I tend to over think it, and always come to a rash decision. Like for example, my feelings for a boy. Whenever I don’t understand exactly how I feel, but I know for a fact that it isn’t just platonic, I always jump the gun and try to find out what the deal is. This has resulted in many regrettable situations.
So today as my friend told me to just “enjoy it,” thing started to change in my mind. I think one of the reasons why I like photography so much is because through my viewfinder, I get to enjoy the world in a way that I don’t know how to without the concentration of a lens. I don’t know how to taste food. I don’t know how to enjoy feeling giddy over a boy. I don’t know how to sit still and just enjoy it.
But that’s one of the beautiful things about being in your early 20s. You’re old enough to know better but young enough to still be able to do something about the things you don’t like about yourself. I think this is one of those things. I think I want to be able to enjoy the many beautiful things that sitting still can give me. Every time I go home from a night where many questions arise, no matter how good the night ended I always plague myself with questions that I don’t have any answers to. I never just sit still and enjoy it.
So here I am, enjoying it. Enjoying this.