I have a tendency of not caring. People think I’m really chill and that not a lot of things bother me, but the thing is it’s mostly because I don’t care. I don’t care if your dog is sick, I don’t care that you went here and did this. And lastly, I don’t care who you know and who you think you are. My friends wonder how I got so good at small talk, and it’s because my relationships never really went further than that in the past.
Unfortunately, the problem with not caring is that you also end up not making any permanent ties that get any deeper than having fun together when you spend time in a group of people. I always used to wonder why, in middle school, I thought of myself as having a lot of friends but when the time comes that school is suspended because of the rain, no one would text me to hang out or do stuff together. Not that I cared much.
Becoming conscious of this lack of interest in the world in particular has been a feat, especially because I formed friendships in college that brought me to caring about a group of people that I never would have thought would be my best friends in the world. The problem with caring about people though is that it sucks, because no one is perfect, which means that someone will always disappoint you or irritate or make you want to smack their faces in. This is why I always thought of not caring as easier because you never had to get worked up about other people’s stupidity, and instead just walk away and never look back. “I can always find new friends” was my motto.
But then that’s not really a good way to live your life, now is it? Sooner or later you get tired at having to make new friends because you are inconvenienced by the ones that you have already made. I guess I hit that mark around my time in university when I met so many people that made me want to tear my hair and poke my eyeballs out. So around the time that I did find people that I thought were great, I made a decision to start changing my ever so apathetic ways and start caring about the lives that I bring into mine. It’s difficult sometimes and it hasn’t been a smooth road, but now I can honestly say that I have surrounded myself with people who actually know me and have seen me at my worst, and for the life of me I can’t figure out why they’re still around.
This also applies to my family and my dreams. When I was young my first ambition ever was to become an actress. I wanted to star in movies and touch people through the words that I said, but I never got around to doing anything that would make that come true in the long run.
But life isn’t always how you expect it to turn out and things happen that kind of ruin it for everybody. I slowly see my laziness and passivity creeping up on me, not only about people but my life in general. What makes me the most afraid is that I know myself and I know that I have the capability to do nothing and care for no one for the rest of my life. I’d be happier playing Sims 3 for 24 hours than deal with drama and crap that does not even belong to me.
A decade or so later from my middle school years and I have new friends and a new dream and it seems as if I am falling back into a place where everything is easy because I simply don’t care. But I don’t want that to happen, see, and I don’t want to become that person again. I’ve lived my life taking the easy way out and just walking away from people and things that became too hard. I quit playing football after 8 years of playing it because I was too afraid to try out for the team in Ateneo, and I didn’t try out for Tanghalang Ateneo because the table looked too intimidating during Rec Week. I didn’t get accepted into the grad school that I wanted in New York and all the other schools that I’ve been looking at are far too expensive to consider. My group of friends is being torn apart by things that have nothing to do with me, yet I find myself in the middle of it all. I feel like I can’t really be honest about anything anymore because people are too cranky or too fragile or too angry to want to hear it. If there was ever a perfect time to walk away from it all because it was just getting too hard, this would be it.
However, I made a promise to myself that my life would be different and that disaffection would no longer be my go-to method of coping. And as helpless as I feel right now, I promised myself that no matter what, my dreams are the one thing that I am not letting go of, ever. Everything else, well, I’m just not so sure anymore.