I’ve been putting some thoughts together for the past 40 or so hours. Cause that’s what healthy people do, right? Articulate their feelings when something awful happens.
I started going to the gym roughly seven weeks ago. I was a varsity player for 8 years of my life and I’ve been in and out of the gym, so physical activities aren’t new to me despite my heavy build. But this is the first time that I’ve had a physical trainer who would push me and supervise me as I tried to improve myself and live a healthier lifestyle. The one thing I’ve learned with all the pushing that I’ve been doing recently is just how much I was happy with mediocrity. I’ve never really pushed myself to go after anything that I wanted. Was it fear? Maybe. Was it laziness? Most of the time. But I think it was also just because I never really believed that I could do it. It was better to theorize in my head that “I could probably do that,” rather than trying to do it and realizing afterwards that I couldn’t. Limitations are better in theory that in front of your face.
So I’ve been pushing myself these past few weeks. Pushing to do just one more rep, just one more set. To go to the gym even when all I want to do is lie down on our couch and watch FRIENDS all day long. To put off eating that cookie or drinking that huge glass of milk tea until the morning. And it’s paid off, and I’m starting to feel healthier, better.
I’ve never wanted anything more in my life than to study and live in New York. I’ve lived and breathed for it for a decade now. It was just plans at first, but then I dared to chase that dream. Study photography in New York city. A craft that I love in the city of my dreams. I’ve been trying to make that dream become a reality for two years now. And once again, I’ve failed.
There came a point during the time I was waiting for admission decisions that I started to feel like, if I don’t get accepted into these schools, I’m probably just going to give up on photography altogether. I was ready to hang up the ol’ DSLR.
The morning after the terrible news, I expected that I would feel so bad that I wouldn’t even be able to pick myself up off of my bed. But you know what? In four hours, I was able to run errands in my condo building, order food, take a shower, eat my food, and get out of the door and into the world.
(I mean, I went out and bought thousands of pesos’ worth of make-up, but hey I was upset and I think that was still within the realm of healthy.)
I actually had a productive day. Went to the bank, went and bought back all the make-up I lost when my bag got stolen a little over a week ago, had some coffee at Starbucks Katipunan, met up with Ysab and went to UP to sign up for an Intermediate Photography workshop with Daemon Becker, ate some isaw and barbeque, then headed to Cantina to have some drinks and were later joined by Ow and Dan. One of the best simple days I’ve had in a while came subsequently after one of the most awful nights in my life. Life’s funny like that. And a bitch.
I’m pushing forward. Still licking my wounds, yes, and any mention of New York anywhere makes me me want to throw my laptop to the ground. Things haven’t been going my way for the past few years, and I don’t remember the last time I wanted something so bad and I ended up getting it in the end. But I’ve decided to keep trying. It’ll happen soon enough.